This blog is now private, but you can find my new personal blogs above. Nikki Dope is dedicated to creativity. Life According To Nikki is centered around my walk with Christ and life in general.
HoneyCocoa was made during my pregnancy in 2009 and dealt with a lot of self esteem issues, me dealing with the consequences of an adulterous relationship, and also just being confused about who I was in Christ. I have grown so much in the last 4-5 years and it’s so unreal. I owe it all to God for delivering me from myself. I am keeping this blog because one day, these post may show someone else they are not alone and can see that there is a way out for them as well. It’s private because although I’m not ashamed of my past, I am pushing towards some new things right now, and in due time, it will be made public again, but I will not post here.
Thanks for stopping by 🙂
taken from vegasdiamond28 on youtube.
1. How did you come up with your user name?
for this name “honeycocoa” i like sweet things, like honey. cocoa represents my brown skin
2. What would you do with a million dollars?
pay off my debts, and pay off my car balance and get it checked to make sure everything works well. i’d then get me a house in nice area. something nice and roomy. i’d pay off my moms debt so she can have a fresh start, and we’d sell her house and get her one that she wants. i’d finish school also and start learning and making ways to earn more money so that i could help my bros go to college and also help them to keep good credit and help them earn money also. basically i’d find ways so that i can continue to make money, help my fam continue to make money, and we would all have a fresh start financially.
3. When are you the happiest?
when i’m eating good food 🙂 lol and when everyone is having a good time, no drama, just living life and being free. also when i am traveling. road trips are love!
4. What is a favorite thing about yourself?
looks wise, i’d have to say i love my smile 🙂 . internally, my mind. the way i think. my desire for knowledge. and my desire to want to inspire others to educate themselves.
5. What is your most embarrassing moment?
lol so many i can honestly NOT pick one.
6. Who did you last take a picture with?
mittens (my cat!)
7. What is your dream job?
omg, just being able to do all the things i love. cooking, helping, teaching, music, art, anything creative and freeing.
8. What is your dream car?
i love infinitis and ol’ school cadillacs
9. Name one item you can’t live without.
cell phone. with my cell phone i can request everything i need 🙂 lol and LOTS of water
10. Name one lesson in life you have learned.
life’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it. and that in itself to me, makes life perfect. Thank you, God for giving me the opportunity to live and breathe and be!
i feel a renewed since of freedom. like a bag of bricks that has been restricting has been lifted off my back. only a few people knows exactly whats been going on with me…like personally, and i dont wanna put that out on the internet for the whole world to see, but just know that my main problem has been removed for the most part. i know i will have to deal with it again in the future, but im looking towards God for strength to never fall prey or become so weak that i will accept ANY situation from people. i know we all have our ups and downs, but i also know its about your outlook on life. plus, we are often more stronger than we realize. we all make mistakes and i pray every day God forgives me for this one. i know you reap what you sew, so i can only ask for strength from God that when i do, i am able to make it through and it be all for His glory. i knew i was wrong when making the mistake and im trying to get passed that and find strength, solace and peace in God and Jesus so that i can not make those same mistakes again when faced with the same obstacles. i believe everything happens for a reason and my testimony well help someone else one of these days to overcome their situation and to let go when a situation is no good for you.
as you all know, i have been wanting to go back to school, but in a way kind of lost the motivation and felt as if i wouldn’t be able to excel. i let someone’s words of telling me i’ll be a “call center b&#$@ for life” get the best of me. i’m here not to prove them wrong, but to prove myself right. i am a beautiful, loving, intelligent woman. far from perfect, but i’m young (no excuse), and trying to do the best i can to become a better person, not be so hot-tempered and selfish and be a better person all around. i know people will probably think “oh shut up, folks always talkin and not doin” but let me first say this is my journal, these are my thoughts, and dont judge me. i haven’t talked to anyone about this personally and i dont plan on it yet. i want my efforts to show through and not waste my energy on talk. first thing first is by making God number one in my life again.
but yeah, im trying. im setting goals. i want a better life for me. but most important, i want a better life for my son and to be an example to him.
i want to love myself. i dont want to rely on anyone to make me feel loved or to be happy. but i dont believe everyone is designed to be alone. lonely sucks. being single sucks. as much as i want a
boyfriend husband, i have yet to find a guy i feel i could connect with on that level.
the last guy i met like that, i ran him off. i guess it wasnt meant to be. he felt like the perfect person for me. everyone i look at now, i compare to him. i hate being so judgemental, but i really had no standards when it came to men, until i met him, and after we stopped talking…and i realized there really are good people in this world…people who try to be real and the best they can be. i wish i could go back in time with the knowledge i have now, and start from scratch with him. be upfront and honest from day one. let him know what i wanted out of us, and not been so quick to run away from every problem or situation that came up. he was something new. something i’d never experienced before. i figured, if that was that great, and he wasn’t even my boyfriend, then the possibilities are now endless. but that is neither here nor there, just an elaboration of why i feel i have yet to find anyone. i dont feel my standards are true high. if he
met set the criteria, then i know there are others in this world who can compare and may exceed.
but back to the topic at hand. i feel liike i care about myself enough, but as far as really loving myself, i dont feel that i do. i dont want to be fake and use a million adjectives calling myself 5 star bitches, and “Ms Amazing” and the like just to give me a false sense of confidence. i want my goodness and confidence to show with out my having to put myself up on a high horse or knocking someone off theirs. i know a few things i can do to help myself feel better. for one, i am big on education. i really want to complete my goal of going back to school and finishing a pharmacy tech course so i can become certified. i still plan on attending college to at LEAST get an associates degree in whatever i’ll be choosing at the time, but i want something to fall back on and to feel accomplished to have completed a course. i am now pregnant, and i know things wont get any easier, because its hard enough as is not having kids to keep the faith and get things done. i trust in Jesus that no matter what, i will always come out on top. i feel that in making goals and accomplishing them, that will help to increase my confidence. i want to have that type of self-love that just shows. i can simply be “me”…not the big bobble headed “boss bitch” or any other kiddish name to give myself. i want my presence to show who i am. to be a genuine person.
deep down, i know what i want. on the surface, i am to shaken to go after it. i know no one will baby me or care about me enough to hold my hand, and quite frankly, i dont want my hand held. my mom held my hand enough (not blaming her), but i do feel things could be a little different if she would have let my hand go, and encouraged me to do more things on my own at an earlier age. the point is, i know now, and i want to and try to do better now.
one of these days, i know i will truly love me. it will be sooner than later. one of these days, i will find a husband who will love me for me, and help me to get past my flaws, and i will do the same for him.
im tired of things being one sided. doing enough to get by, and treating people like crap getting little to no satisaction out of it, just because i feel bad about myself. i am tired of my life repeating itself and going no where. i know i am not a failure. i know i have purpose and my life has meaning. this is a journey. im taking it one day at a time. looking in that mirror everyday and struggling to love what i see looking back at me.
Everything works for the good. Things will get better.
gosh, i really miss being in love. as uncomfortable it is to feel vulnerable, it’s so comforting knowing u have someone to feel that way for. but of course, i wish for the feelings to be mutual….sucks that u always have to get hurt though. as much as i want to experience and reopen myself again like that…its hard for me to believe that there is really someone out there that i could possibly feel that way about again. i guess its just gonna be me and jayden for a while. i hate feeling disgusted by men.
its getting to the point to where i’m getting over you.
lol. i guess this pregnancy is bringing out the cook in me. i have always been a food lover and experimenter. at one point and time i even thought about going to culinary school (that was a short-lived idea…because i dont eat things that most people eat), but for the foods i do like, i really enjoy trying new recipes and putting together a good meal for my family to taste and go “AHH…this is quite refreshing” lol. As far as I know, everyone who eats my food enjoys it, unless its like some new thing I’ve decided to make and it winds up a disaster. But seriously, I cannot stop trying recipes and cooking. I guess it also stems from me being beyond tired of fast food, and with me not having job, even the cheapest of restaraunts were not a good idea to be spending money on. It has become quite rewarding though. When Jayden is old enough to eat table food and really enjoy it, his mom won’t be just your average hamburger helper and hot dog feeding parent. I want to learn what spices and seasonings do what and come up with my own unique dishes. In the future, if I have a daughter, and for my husband also, I would love for us to share recipes with one another. Food is such a beautifully, delicious thing..especially when it’s on my tongue lol. 🙂
…but there’s already a lead.
I’m going forth with a new play. My own play. Where I write the script, and I choose my own lead, there will be no need understudy. We’ll ride this out together forever.
I’m not exactly sure where to start with this post, but I have been wanting to write something about my goals for a while because its like I lost focus. I’ll start by giving you a bit of my history.
Growing up, up until around age 15 or 16, I was so sure I was going to be an actress. I involved myself with all things acting (drama club, going to theathre, practicing at home, writing “short plays” and having loved ones act them out for my fam–we still have the videos), I tried to convince my mom for like 6 years to let me go to acting school. I was so sure that was my life passion and that was going to be what I do. Also, I woke up at age twelve, and deecided I wanted to be a model also. Would beg my mom to take me to every casting call, I STUDIED the phone book looking for modeling agencies and schools, I was so serious about becoming a model. More so focused on being a commercial model and modeling for like JCPenney or catalogs and the like. Begged my mom all the time to get me out there and get my face out there.
As time went on, I would say, by the time I was a senior in high school, I lost sight of my “dreams”. I stopped caring, deep down inside I cared, but I figured so much time had passed since I had the dream and still nothing was accomplished, so slowly, the dream started dwindling away, and I figured God was showing me there must be something else I am supposed to do with my life and to get my heads out of the clouds. I cried a lot during that time. I felt like I just lost sight of what my life was supposed to be, and to this day, I still feel the same way, and in a way I kind of in my heart blame my mom for it. I know it’s not anyone’s fault, but I lost focus of everything (my dumb choice) and now I am searching for find something that I love like that again. A passion that I think of every day and can invision myself doing. I am not sure if anyone else ever believed in me, but I don’t care anymore. I just want to feel that fire for life that I once had to want to learn, live, travel, and reach my goals.
It’s as if I have gotten lazy and complacent with life. I am not pregnant by a guy I really don’t even care about, and although I want him in my child’s life, I really don’t want MUCH to do with him because he’s a liar and I really don’t know just too much about him even after two years. It was a mistake on my part, but I still take the son I am bearing as a miracle. I know God doesn’t make mistakes, so I’m just trying to take this thing one day at a time until I can see the big picture. I am still nervous, which I know all first time mothers are, but now I feel like will I have the time to even follow my dreams?
I want to make sure that my son’s dreams are fulfilled at all costs. That is my goal right now. That if he tells me he wants to do ANYTHING, I don’t care if its fly to Jupiter and back, it will be done! I don’t wanna tell him its impossible. I dont wanna tell him he’s “too shy”. I don’t want to be the one to keep him from living his life to the fullest all the while keeping God number one in his life. I want him to know that all things are possible through Christ and to not fear this world or anyone or anything in it. Something that I am struggling to grasp myself.
Anyway, today, I feel as if I still have one of those dreams, but it has dwindled so small, and my confidence in myself when it comes to my dream has dropped so low, that it just feels like an idea now. I still want to model. I don’t want to sound like a hater, or talk down on anyone else’s dreams are goals, but it does irk me that every model now is basically a “booty” model. There’s no really no art to it. Just put on a thong, arch your back, and look “seductive”. Maxim and men’s magazines type model. I for one don’t want to be that type of model. I feel I have much more class than that (again, not trying to knock anyone’s hustle) and that I was meant here to use it as an artform, since I have always been on the creative side. So after I have my son, I will be giving my all to get my body back in shape and will start walking while pregnant when it cools off this year. I am going to give a second go at this whole modeling thing, even though I have eczema and my skin flares up at random times, but so far during this pregnancy, it’s been pretty much controlled, thank God. So again, I’m just taking this one day at a time.
Like I said, I am interested in doing commercial, print, catalogs, anything of that nature. Even in taking some acting courses to be on small rolls. I’m starting small but dreaming big. My goal right now is not to be a major super star or anything, because fame is not what I am looking for. I believe acting and modeling are art forms and means of expression, and not to say the extra cash will help. I have other goals also like to finish school, and I know with a child, that will take some time. Academics and education have always been very important to me. When I lost sight of those “dreams” I basically let myself go.
But yes, I am going to get back on it. I’m not looking for fame. I will be doing this because this is what makes me happy. I am looking for positive people to surround myself with and in hopes that we can help each other grow. I love my friends dearly, but I know I will need a good support system of inspiring, positive people in my life to help get me to that next level, and so we can all prosper *including my family*.
Well that’s basically it for today. Maybe now you have a little insight on me and one of my biggest personal problems right now. I know this feeling of worthlessness will pass soon. I know I have purpose in this world, and continuing to make goals and positive aspirations all the while keeping God first will get me there.